I really miss doing the Pursing Love posts so while Marsha in on blog break the Lord has been showing me a few things: Please understand this is not a poor me post this is just what I have recognized over the past couple of weeks through the Grace of God and the prayers and concern of friends!
In Ecclesiastes 3 you find
There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under heaven:
2 a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
3 a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
4 a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
5 a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain,
6 a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
7 a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
8 a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace
Last week, On two different days, I had a surprise visit from two of my closest friends. I was so happy to see each one and yet I could tell something was heavy on their heart.
The message from both to me was this "what have I done? you don't call ~ you don't respond Have I done something to you Loren?
I had no excuses whatsoever....I have shared with you all here in the past how I had pulled away from many things and that I wasn't intentionally trying to hurt anyone but I just was going through the grief of losing Daddy. As I sat with her there, listening & sharing I was able to share what the Lord had shown me..... One day I was having a hard time and the Lord showed me that I wasn't just dealing with the death of my Dad but also the death of many other situations in my life. Church, ministry, friendships and in some ways my relationship with HIM. As I told her these things she immediately looked at me and said she felt this had been a" Supernatural release" and began praying over me. I had such a release and the Lord met me in that very moment. After she left I knew I had to go deeper with the Lord in regards to these things we had discussed. It was a powerful time with HIM to say the least but little did I know that two days later I would have yet another friend knock on my door unexpectedly.
As my friend began to share, I heard the same words again....what is wrong? Have I done something? Because I had this awareness and had the time with the Lord I was able to be very honest and clear that my friend had done no wrong and that I was responsible for the disconnection. Repentant to say the very least. It became more and more clear that while I was grieving I also had allowed the enemy to keep me from those who love me and wanted to help me during this difficult time.
The most difficult thing I had to realize was that while my friends felt disconnected and pushed away, they weren't the only ones I had pushed away. I had even put the Lord aside to a degree. It still hurts to even type those words. I was so hurt by losing my Dad and not being allowed the time with him while on this earth to know his heart towards me and many other things I don't need to go into here but suffice to say ~ sooooo many things got in the way and consumed me and my emotions.
When my friend prayed over me and then I had that time with the Lord after HE made soooo many things clear to me but mostly HE showed me how HE had put so many things in my path to help me along the way. Those things I didn't recognize because I was too lost in the grief that later turned to anger and withdrawing from so much.
As the days have gone on I have been able to speak to other friends and share my apologies with them and with each one I feel yet another burden being lifted. The Lord has been by my side each day leading and guiding me and I am able to see HIS hand on each day. I don't have all the answers but praise HIM for the relationships that are being restored. I don't know which church we will be attending but HE does. I don't know if our ministry will be with kids or if we will go another direction but HE does. I am LEARNING to be ok with that, taking one day at a time
For now, I am just grateful to know that the time to grieve season is a little lighter and at least I am not withdrawn from those I love and most importantly from my Heavenly Father! Thank you Lord for loving me too much to leave me stagnant in my grief!